[Thunderclap, Hinge Squeaking]
##[Creepy Music]
[Screeching]
[Squealing]
[Howling]
[Creatures Squeaking]
[Screeching]
[Eerie Whispering]
[Maniacal Laughing]
[Thunder Rumbling]
I did it, Jack. I did it.
And you know what? It got me hot.
No, I'm not kidding.
You should have seen the look on Carl's face when I buried that ax in his chest.
Ohh! Killing him was almost better than sex.
I said almost, didn't I?
Ohhh! We are going to have so much fun...
spending all of his money, aren't we, baby?
Oooh! Just thinking about it gets me all...
hot and squishy.
You mean right now?
He's in the basement cooling off.
What took you so long?
Jesus, Jack, what kind of cologne...
[Gasps, Screaming]
Cut!
Cut, cut, cut, cut, cut!
What the hell are you doing?
You call that "hack-ting"?
Well, yes, I do call it acting.
Well, let me tell you something. You're no "Gorey" Cooper.
You ain't even a Robert "Deadford. "
Another take like that and it'll be back to bit parts for you.
And I won't say what bits I'm talking about.
Huh! All right, everybody. Reset!
Reset, guys.
Director?
Where the hell did they dig this guy up?
I give and I give and I... Oh!
Hello, kiddies. So glad you could join me.
Your old pal the Crypt Keeper has gone Hollywood in a big way.
Care to see what I've been working on?
So if you're ready, creeps, fasten your drool cups...
and hold on to your vomit bags.
We're going to the movies!
Frights! Camera! Action!
I call this one...
#Now that the smoke's gone #
#And the air is clear #
# Those who are right there #
# Got a cool kind of view #
# You fight and you were right #
#But they were just too strong #
# That's why I say hey, man, nice shot #
# What a good shot, man #
#Hey, baby #
[Tires Screeching]
# That's good #
#Hey, baby #
[Engine Knocking]
##[Continues]
[Engine Dying]
[Tires Screeching]
Come on!
Son of a bitch!
Come on, you son of a bitch!
Oh, shit!
Damn!
#I wish I would've met you #
#Now it's a little late #
# What you could've taught me #
#I could've saved some face #
# They think that your early ending was all wrong #
# Through most of the daylight #
##[Singing Fades]
[Thunder Rumbling]
[Panting]
[Thundering Continues]
What ya doin', mister?
- Are you stealing my daddy's car? - Stealin'?
No, I was testing the lock. Seems to be working just fine.
You want a quarter?
How about a shiny new quarter? You want one?
Dad, there's a guy outside stealing your car!
Hey, Dad, hurry up. Get out here!
Homer, go! He's gone.
[Moaning]
[Thunder Rumbling] Boy, listen to that thunder.
God's doing some serious thinking tonight.
[Laughing]
[Groaning]
I'll bet he's saying,
"On second thought, maybe I should have given it all to the monkeys. "
- Maybe it's not to late. - I always hate drinking alone. You want a taste?
Sure.
[Thunder Rumbling]
To the monkeys.
[Coughs] It ain't very subtle, but it does the trick.
You wouldn't happen to know of a place where I could bed down, would you?
Well, it just so happens, I do.
[Woman On Police Radio] That's two cars, Sheriff? That's right, Mavis.
One of 'em's got Maryland plates, and the other one's from New Jersey.
Ten-four. Ten-four.
You were right, Sheriff.
Them sons of bitches must have been doing well over a hundred.
Well, Bob, it's too late to give them a ticket.
But, if it'll make you feel any better, you can shoot their ashes.
What the...
Holy shit!
Hey, mister, get away from there.
Where the hell you come from? This is my car.
Was my car. Did you see him?
Walking into town, the guy I was chasing?
Air bags, gotta love 'em. Did you see him?
- We didn't see anybody. - Now wait a minute.
Are you telling me that guy over there walked out of here too?
Where you goin'? You got a few questions to answer.
Look, Officers, the man I'm chasing is dangerous.
If he's in your town, you got a problem.
We stand here arguing about a traffic accident... Do you mind?
Something awful's about to go down... over there.
Is that where we're going? It looks like a church.
That's it. Used to be a church.
Ain't a church no more.
They decommissioned it in the '50s, due to lack of interest.
Just the place I've been looking for.
Gangway, I'm bringing in business.
What kind of business?
I think he's looking for a room of his own, Cordelia.
You been drinking, Uncle Willy?
- I'm clean as a whistle, Irene. - How long you wanting the room?
I don't know. One night, maybe two. Depends.
I never rent short-term, and I don't rent to strangers.
But I can make exceptions.
[Irene] Okay.
Enjoy your stay, Mr...
Mr. Smith.
Jeryline! Jeryline!
Jeryline, I mean now!
I'm trying to clean your stove.
How do you expect me to get my work done if you keep bothering me?
You've been working so hard with them clean rubber gloves?
Show Mr. Smith up to number five.
[Sighing, Muttering]
And then fix him some dinner.
And after that, I got a few more jobs for you.
This time I'm gonna watch you.
I want it right the first time, and that's all there is to it.
It's my way or the highway.
Yeah, yeah. Whatever.
[Clears Throat]
What do I need to tell you?
What am I looking at? Which way is town?
Town is that way, and you're looking at nothing.
But I'm sure you didn't come here for a view. But here's your key.
And the concierge will bring up your bags momentarily.
[Cordelia] I don't see how they could fire you, Wally.
[Wally] That's what I told them.
Cordelia, I don't know what happened to all that mail.
It just disappeared, but they won't believe me.
God! It's so humiliating. Do you know what he did?
Uh-uh. Postmaster comes in...
and he rips my name tag right off my shirt.
Right in front of everybody.
And like that's not bad enough, he took my Mr. Zippy patch.
You should have told your damn boss to go screw himself.
Stupid post office. Ain't the only job in town.
The hell it ain't. If you had any sense, Wally,
you'd crawl back to him and beg for the job.
Yeah, well, I already tried that.
He said no.
Oh, poor Wally.
Where is that girl? Jeryline!
- What is it? - Are my sheets done yet?
They're downstairs. And I couldn't get all those stains out, either.
Damn guacamole.
Will you put them on my bed for me?
- Why can't you do it yourself? You know I'm busy. - Get her sheets, will you?
No, I just started that stove. I can't do everything at once.
I'll get them for you, Cordelia.
Good. Damn.
That's very sweet of you, Wally.
Put them on your bed? Thanks.
Oh, poor guy.
Maybe I should give him a freebie.
Just what he needs, someone else screwing him.
[Man] To be perfectly honest, I wasn't watching the speedometer.
- [Sheriff] Exactly why were you chasing him? - He's a thief.
What the hell did he steal that had you going over 100 miles an hour?
Must have been pretty valuable.
It is.
[Woman On Radio] Sheriff? Yeah, Mavis, go ahead.
We just got a call from Homer over at the café.
He says somebody tried to steal his car.
Okay, we're on it.
[Siren Wailing]
[Thunder Rumbling]
- You want some? - Hell, no.
I was just thinking how much better that stuff looked when it was roadkill.
Why don't you shut up? You eat it.
- She loves me. - You hurry up and finish and...
I'll take care of dessert.
[Meowing] Ah, don't worry.
Good Cleo knows better than to eat that slop.
Goddamn it! Get that pussy off the table.
I meant the cat.
Cleo! Didn't I tell you to put him out?
I did. I don't know how she got back in.
You finish cleaning the stove, or you too busy shooting the breeze?
For Christ's sake, I'll finish cleaning it tomorrow.
I want it clean tonight.
Remind me of that program you're on. It's called "work release", ain't it?
I swear that girl ain't got no goddamn gratitude.
If I hadn't made a place for her, she'd be behind bars or dead.
- Lucky kid. - Mmm.
[Car Horn Honking]
You expecting somebody, Mr. Smith?
Evenin', motel people.
[Cordelia] You kept me waiting, Roach. Ohh.
I'll tell you the reason I'm late. Somebody tried to steal Homer's car.
You're kiddin'? That old hunk of junk? Yeah.
Right out of the diner parking lot.
Sheriff and Deputy Dipshit showed up too.
Damn, you look sweet. Thank you, honey.
[Roach] You know, I've been looking forward to this all week.
That makes two of us. Hey, what are those panties you got on there?
I got the cherry flavor.
Are those edible panties?
You know I want pieces of panty in my salad later.
Oh, Roach, you're so dirty!
Why don't you set the basket by the steps, Wally.
She's gonna be needing clean sheets soon enough.
Your boy did the right thing. You should be...
That about covers it. We'll let you know if we hear anything.
[Mavis On Radio] Sheriff, you there?
Go ahead, Mavis.
I just got a call from Irene at the mission about that fellow you're looking for.
Let's go, Sheriff. Get in.
[Moaning, Panting]
[Moaning Continues]
He's really holding on tonight, isn't he?
[Moaning, Screaming] Okay.
So what were you in for?
I'm not passing judgment.
Stealin'. 'Kay?
[Sirens Wailing]
- Good evening, Irene. Where is he? - That's him, in the dining room.
Excuse me, mister. We'd like to have a word with you about the fender bender on the highway.
Sheriff, you better watch it. He's armed.
Told you.
- Drop the guns, or I'll kill her. - Don't!
- I said, drop your goddamn guns. - He won't do it.
- The hell I won't. - I know this man, and he will not do it.
Drop the knife. Drop the goddamn knife!
Her blood's on your head, asshole.
[Hammers Clicking]
[Clears Throat]
Spread 'em!
Well, well, well. Mr. Brayker.
- Pleased to make your acquaintance. - You lyin' son of a bitch.
[Irene] Said his name was Smith.
Call it in, Bob.
I believe you'll find what I'm looking for in there.
What's he got to do with this?
- I'm... I work for a collection agency. - It's empty.
Really. That can't be.
Well, I guess that means it's somewhere in the house.
- Keep him away from me! - Shut up!
Where is it? I don't know what you're talking about.
Maybe it's up in his room. What you guys looking for?
- What the hell are we looking for anyway? - A piece of antiquity.
A relic... in the shape of a key.
- Bob! - Yeah?
Search his room. It's number five.
[Man Talking, Woman Laughing]
[Roach] Come on, give it to me. Come on.
Give it to me. Come on. Ahh!
Come on. Crank me up.
Come on. Ahh! God! Is that good?
- Freeze! - Ohh!
Jesus Christ, Bob, you son of a bitch!
Turn it off! Turn it off! I'm sorry.
Oh! My nipples are smoking!
Get your clothes on. Now!
[Sheriff] Good work, Mavis. Looky, looky.
I didn't find anything in the perp's room,
but I sure found something in the room down the hall.
Thanks, Mavis.
Sorry to drag you down here, but we'll sort this thing out...
and then you can get back to your business.
I am assuming it was personal business, Cordelia.
Actually, Sheriff,
it was kind of like a tune up and lube job.
Shut up, Bob! I don't want to hear about it.
You know how it is when you get your car... I don't want to hear it.
Shut up, Bob.
This Brayker fella's getting more interesting.
According to the computer, Frank Brayker died over five years ago.
Who the hell are you?
What's your name?
Maybe if you cool your heels in a jail cell, you'll be a little more chatty.
Come on, Bob. Help me get him to the car.
I'd appreciate getting back what he stole from me.
That way I can get on my way,
and you can give this lowlife what he deserves.
Why don't you tell us where you put it?
You make it easy for me, I'll make it easy for you.
- Mind you, you're off to a pretty bad start. - I know where it is!
It just occurred to me. I watched him stash it and didn't even know it.
Willy, no! Relax!
I'm sorry, mister.
I'd like you to put it inside.
[Phone Ringing] Look what he's done. He's put somethin' awful inside.
Would you mind dumping that out before you place it inside?
Sure.
No, don't do it. He's not what he says he is.
He's just... Just pop that lid.
I'll take that, Willy.
Bob, escort Mr. Brayker, or whatever his name is, out to the car.
Sheriff, I am much obliged for your assistance in apprehending...
Don't bother. You're coming with us.
See, both those cars were stolen.
We're going down to the station and we're going to sort this shit out.
Sheriff, you're making a big mistake.
It won't be for the first time. Sorry for the inconvenience.
The man said, if you knew who I was...
We'll find out soon enough.
[Sighs] Why wait?
[Screaming]
Give me the keys!
Give me the goddamn keys!
Ah, come on! Get off me!
Ahhh!
Shit!
Heads up!
Ahhh!
[Man] Humans! You're not worth the flesh you're printed on!
Fuck this cowboy shit!
You fuckin', hodunk Podunk, well, then, motherfuckers!
All you had to do was give me the goddamn key!
Then we could get on with our lives.
All right, this property...
is hereby... condemned.
Shit!
What is that?
Oh, my God! Shit!
[Snarling]
[Slurping]
Ahhh!
[Moaning]
[Squealing]
[Screeching]
Oh, great. What the hell happened with the lights?
[Thunder Rumbling] They're gone.
Everybody, back!
Where do you suppose they went?
What's that smell?
Aaaaah!
Ahhh!
[Roach] Let's get out of here!
[Irene] There's more of them!
No, shoot 'em.
Go out the back door. Come on. Hurry up. Hurry up.
[Screeching]
[Roaring] [Screaming]
Oh, that is disgusting.
What the hell is that shit?
Shit!
I don't see them. Do you see them? No.
Where the fuck did they go?
Cordelia, stay away from the door!
You see what I mean? We can make it to my truck. No, I don't think so.
Listen! You can stay here and die if you want to. I sure as shit ain't.
- [Irene] Roach, be smart for once. - Cordelia!
Roach, wait. Just come on, would ya?
Ahhhh! [Screaming]
[Shouts] Cordelia, I'm coming!
I'm sorry. [Screaming]
Give me that gun!
[Slurping] Hey, fuck-face!
[Screaming]
Get the eyes! Get the eyes!
Oh, Wally. Wally. Oh, God.
Need a hand? [Gasps]
Give me the key, Brayker. For cryin' out loud!
Wally? Wally, please don't die.
Wally?
Oh! [Panting]
Cordelia!
Brayker, what the hell are those things? Demons or something?
Worse. Demons. That's sweet. That's just fuckin' sweet!
And they want to kill us because of you?
Who's going to protect us? You?
Deputy Bob? Or the headless horsemen? We'll be all right.
Just stay inside and stay together. We just have to make it through the night.
And that stuff's gonna keep them out?
There are only two things we can use against them.
- The blood in this key. - It's blood?
And anything that destroys their eyes. Frees their tortured souls.
- This is crazy! - Deal with it!
You deal with it. They got no quarrel with us.
They just want you and that thing you're carrying.
I say we give it to them. I say they'll kill you anyway.
Or possess you. Or use you to get to the rest of us.
Like it or not, we stick together.
- My cat's outside. I gotta get my cat. - You go out, you stay out.
Is that so? What are you gonna do?
Shoot us? Right in the eyes.
Stay down here.
I'm going to seal the upstairs.
[Gasps]
[Screaming]
- Damn it! - What are you doing up here?
I thought I told you to stay downstairs.
Damn!
I thought you might need help.
[Sighing]
Look, I'm... I'm sorry about your cat.
And before, with the knife, I wasn't gonna hurt you.
[Snickering]
I knew you weren't. I just had a feeling about you.
Can I ask you something?
Who are you? Really.
I'm just an old man...
running out of time.
Well, well, well. Isn't this sweet?
Soiled dove and her square-jawed postal clerk.
- You're a bastard. - I ain't the one who tried to kill you.
Shithead, you left me out there.
Who in the hell told you to follow me?
You're absolutely right. Nobody.
Now I know who my friends are.
Whores ain't got no friends.
[Brayker] That's all the doors and window sealed.
Any other ways in or out of this place? Aside from doors and windows?
Got some place you want us to put him?
Jeryline, let's go make some coffee.
Looks like we're in for a long night.
Where did you get that from? It was my husband's.
[Meowing] Cleo! Hi, baby.
You let the cat in. She just appeared.
Brayker, what are you doing?
Animals aren't immune. They can be possessed.
- [Hissing] - Give me the cat! Shit!
What the hell's going on? The cat. The cat.
Brayker, my cat is not possessed by some demon from hell.
We'll see.
Listen, I got to talk to you. What?
I got nothing to say. I just gotta talk to you for a second.
I don't want to talk. Why don't you bother somebody else? Just for a second.
You want to talk? Let's talk about how you abandoned Cordelia.
How you left her to die. Huh?
I hope you're ashamed of yourself. Not particularly, no.
Everybody's got to look out their selves.
- I'm for getting out of here. - No one's going anywhere till Mr. Brayker says so.
Hey, fuck him! This is his fight.
[Roach] You may want to die in this motel, but I don't.
I want to get that key, and I want to give it to those things out there.
Hey, Roach. Haven't you caused just about enough trouble?
Excuse me. I'm trying to have a conversation with my friend, Wally.
He's not your friend. Assholes don't have friends.
Excuse us.
Can I talk to you for a second, please?
Jesus, Roach!
So... you got yourself a new boyfriend.
You get in my way and I'll kill you.
Keep it in your pants for a change.
I'm warning you, bitch.
I'm not afraid of you. No?
[Yells]
You better be afraid of me.
Come here, girl. Come on.
Cleo, come on.
Cleo? Come to mommy.
Come on. Come here, girl.
Come here, Cleo. Come on.
- [Cat Hissing] - [Gasping]
I got you, girl. Come on, Brayker.
See, I told you. Hey, look... where she came from.
[Wind Blowing]
Breeze.
[Sobbing]
[Gasps]
[Thunder Rumbling]
[Man] Poor, Cordelia.
Seems downright criminal to treat a pretty girl that way.
Did I say pretty? I meant beautiful.
'Cause you are. You are beautiful, Cordelia.
Inside and out.
Maybe nobody here can see it, but I sure can.
I understand you.
I know what you want.
I know what you need.
Guys like Roach, they think...
just because they're paying for it that they can treat you like shit.
[Thinking] If they spend the same money on dinner and a movie,
they can call you "girlfriend" instead of "whore. "
Whore, what a horrible word that is...
to use on someone who's really just a sad girl who's looking for love.
Tender, warm, unconditional love.
I can give you that love, as much as you can take.
All you have to do is let me in.
Let me in.
Cordelia?
You okay?
- Hello, Wally. - Hello, Cordelia.
I realized something awful about myself tonight, Wally.
My whole life, I've avoided the guys who really loved me.
Like you.
You really love me, don't you, Wally?
Yes, Cordelia, I really love you.
I've always loved you.
From the very first time I delivered your mail.
Well, don't just do it with your eyes, Wally.
It's some kind of tunnel. It's a mine shaft.
Not surprising. The whole area's riddled with them.
This means this is a way out.
We can get to town before those things find out we're gone.
No.
No, it's too risky.
What? Now, listen. What the hell are you saying?
Trust me. You're safer in this house.
[Screaming]
- Shit! - [Screaming Continues]
What was that?
- [Screaming] - What's going on?
- Oh, God! - [Jeryline] What's in there?
[Screaming Continues]
- Cordelia? - Ahhhh!
Oh, man!
- [Roach] Shoot it, damn it! - I can't! I can't!
Shoot 'em both!
[Roaring]
Stop it, stop it!
Ahhh!
Irene!
Ahhhh!
Ohh!
Go ahead. [Moaning]
[Screaming] Give it to me!
Shit! It's still bleeding. Here.
We've got to get her outta here. She'll bleed to death.
We've got to take our chances in the mines.
The spur that runs under here comes to a head in a mile.
- I say we do it. - Fuck, yeah.
What makes you think they haven't found the mines?
Has everybody fuckin' had it with you tellin' us what to do?
If we want to go out to the mines, we're going out that way.
We don't need your fuckin' permission.
I got an idea that's gonna save us that walk.
- We give those damn demons what they want. - Mr. Roach,